All last week I have been warning my friends to "Beware the Ides of March", but it seems it was I who needed to watch out. It's been tough and I hope I am making the right choice after all.
     Alex Ledbetter is the enemy. He is the one who finally told his mother about Trevor and me, who, in turn, passed the information along to my mother.

     My mother described her emotions as "distress and disappointment". She and I sat down on the edge of my bed as she interrogated me.

     She tried to use the tactic of "you're only hurting him by tempting him" by explaining the anatomical problems of pubescent boys. O.o She's a bit late thinking I don't already know this.
     The question she wants me to ponder is, of course, who will I pick? Her, the congregation, and my old life or Trevor, what my heart wants, and my future.

     It's true: if I make the first choice then I will make more people happy, (just not me) but even if I do I will definitely return to my past ways. (Though it probably wo't be with Trevor next time because I hate break ups and make ups)

     So is it better to take a chance for happiness and honesty or sadness and deceit?

     But let's look at it in yet ANOTHER light:

If I do pick my love, what will I lose?
     1. My mother says we will lose our mother-daughter relationship, but isn't that already gone because I've been found out and all the times I've lied to her? (It's funny that she ever thought we had that) I do understand that if I don't pick her I will pretty much be disfellowshipped (which means that will pretty much mean I'm disowned from her and anyone at the meeting). This will mean that once I move out at 18 that it is pretty much goodbye forever and it will keep her from being able to have that close relationship with me that she wants.

I accept this.

     2. I will lose "the warm association of the brothers and sisters at the congregation", but I have been wanting to leave for a while anyway, and I never became that close with anyone there.

     3. Any freedom that I have left will be gone. WHAT FREEDOM IS THAT?!?! I won't be able to go over to Rebecca's house, but I can easily live without that.

     If Trevor tries to be all heroic and give up on our relationship to save me, then I still will not want to go back to the meetings. So that will not save anything.

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In a nutshell, I will be breaking ties tomorrow - but think about it: that's how you win a marathon. Wish me luck!