coolmousee's Xanga

Give my regards to what used to be

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 03:53:56 GMT

When I get lonely

I look at your picture,

But it doesn't help.

So why do I put myself

through such torture

reminding myself of what once was,

because I know:

everytime I sigh

I think of what could be.

Father's Day

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 15:34:18 GMT

It's a little late, I know.

-----------------------------------------------

I used to call you Daddy,

but you've been missing for

too long.

I missed you so much back then,

but I don't care to

worry any more.

I grew up while you were away,

and through all my pain and joy,

you never held my hand.

In all your difficulties,

of mine you never knew.

If only you'd stuck around,

rooting me on,

I could have been Daddy's Little Girl

Still Hiding

Sun, 10 May 2009 03:51:26 GMT

After reading JadedJanissary's last entry, Being Naked, I realized that I rarely experience this "emotional nudity". Is this because I don't trust the person enough? Is it that I don't want the person to disappoint me with their response? Do I not want to get that close with the person?

This also came up when I was talking to my friend Daniela last week. She made the observation that I never tell her anything, and she reveals a lot to me. I know that she will be more understanding than a lot of people, but I still hesitate to tell her if something is bothering me.

I think what it is is that I don't want her to see me as I really am. The more human I appear, the more her opinion of me will change. Is this what I am afraid of?

This must seem really confusing to anyone who hasn't experienced it, and I do envy you if so, but it is true for someone as introverted as I am.

Does this mean that I am "immature" in my thinking? Probably so. I do want to change, but it is so deeply ingrained in my personality! I want to be able to give my true thoughts to those near at me, but I'm so used to hiding. I've always relied on it, and it has always kept me safe.

Inner Turmoil

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 02:57:11 GMT

All last week I have been warning my friends to "Beware the Ides of March", but it seems it was I who needed to watch out. It's been tough and I hope I am making the right choice after all.
Alex Ledbetter is the enemy. He is the one who finally told his mother about Trevor and me, who, in turn, passed the information along to my mother.

My mother described her emotions as "distress and disappointment". She and I sat down on the edge of my bed as she interrogated me.

She tried to use the tactic of "you're only hurting him by tempting him" by explaining the anatomical problems of pubescent boys. O.o She's a bit late thinking I don't already know this.
The question she wants me to ponder is, of course, who will I pick? Her, the congregation, and my old life or Trevor, what my heart wants, and my future.

It's true: if I make the first choice then I will make more people happy, (just not me) but even if I do I will definitely return to my past ways. (Though it probably wo't be with Trevor next time because I hate break ups and make ups)

So is it better to take a chance for happiness and honesty or sadness and deceit?

But let's look at it in yet ANOTHER light:

If I do pick my love, what will I lose?
1. My mother says we will lose our mother-daughter relationship, but isn't that already gone because I've been found out and all the times I've lied to her? (It's funny that she ever thought we had that) I do understand that if I don't pick her I will pretty much be disfellowshipped (which means that will pretty much mean I'm disowned from her and anyone at the meeting). This will mean that once I move out at 18 that it is pretty much goodbye forever and it will keep her from being able to have that close relationship with me that she wants.

I accept this.

2. I will lose "the warm association of the brothers and sisters at the congregation", but I have been wanting to leave for a while anyway, and I never became that close with anyone there.

3. Any freedom that I have left will be gone. WHAT FREEDOM IS THAT?!?! I won't be able to go over to Rebecca's house, but I can easily live without that.

If Trevor tries to be all heroic and give up on our relationship to save me, then I still will not want to go back to the meetings. So that will not save anything.

________________________________________________________________

In a nutshell, I will be breaking ties tomorrow - but think about it: that's how you win a marathon. Wish me luck!

New Schedule/ Laughing Matters

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 02:48:24 GMT

Yesterday was the beginning of the new semester of school. It would've been Tuesday that we changed over to the new semester, but we all took an Obama Day. Kidding! It was a "Bad Weather Day". Speaking of the new president of the United States of America, Purplefish informs me that the first thing he will accomplish in office is create the economic stimulus plan which will lead us into another depression. Optimism leads me to say "No! That's blasphemy!" My point was that the new semester means that my schedule was finally changed from:

1. Pre-AP Chemistry
2. Recordkeeping
3. Yearbook I
4. Spanish II
5. Advanced World History
B lunch
6. Advanced Geometry
7. Pre-AP English II
8. Child Development

1. World History
2. Recordkeeping
3. Yearbook I
4. P.E.
A lunch
5. Chemistry
6. Advanced Geometry
7. Pre-AP English
8. Spanish II

The not-so-drastic change worked out for the much, MUCH better. I met new people yesterday and had fun! That's thanks to my Spanish teacher's advice. Well, not advice exactly, but... you'll see!

Flashback to approximately 3 weeks ago:

The class was in groups of two and we were doing work over the dates/ las fechas. I told her I didn't know what day of the week a certain date was so she told me to ask one of my classmates for his/ her planner. I jokingly said "But that means I have to talk to people! *mock gasp*" she said "That's a very stuck-up attitude." I was shocked and appalled that she thought that way about me so I argued that "No, it is a very SHY attitude." I thought is was at the time, but that's really no excuse for not talking to people. People are wonderful, beautiful, and interesting. I really took our dialogue to heart.

End of flashback

So in first period I met a creepy guy who sits behind me and to the left. (Not all bad)
I am now in PE with Daniela (and Hunter) in fourth period. Now I can stop drifting away from her and play tennis with her instead! :)
I am now in fifth period Chemistry with Trevor and spend all my time drawing on his body. *tee hee*
And I met two guys with the names of Dan Todd and John Reynolds in my last period class. ( I also made a stranger laugh. Yay for hilarity!)

Now Dan gets his own paragraph! He'd be so happy/creeped out if he knew!

At first he and John were being too quiet for my liking until Mrs. Stanley (Spanish teacher) put us into groups. I was with them of course. Then they were still too quiet! so I made a game of guessing what they were thinking. I suppose I was very wrong because before long Dan said "This is fun. I like you." Not in a creepy way, though. I took it as more of "I like you[r] [personality]" I felt very proud of myself for making a new almost-friend acquaintance so I simply said "Thank you." Or "[My brain] thank[s] you." Since the comment was aimed at my thinking process, after all.

One thing to note: Dan has a habit of staring straight into a person's eyes when he talks to him/ her. Almost without blinking. Most people don't do that. Well, except for me. XD

Lastly, edwardALL3Npoe made me happy by LOLing and giving me a mini that states my awesomeness for my sarcasm.

Three people think I'm funny and awesome? (see Laughing Stranger, Dan, and ed) Well, that's what I'm going for!

Peace X

Wizard of Oz-like Dream

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 18:56:00 GMT

Escaping has been on my mind lately so in Dreamland last night I went to Munchkinland. I wasn't sure, but I did see a few munchkins.
I went through these big gothic wooden doors and I found myself in an animal shelter. Or at least I think that's what it was. There were many prison-like cells and I saw cats, german shepherds, and prisoners in orange outfits. I obviously didn't belong so I followed the hallways straight and to the left. That brought me to a kitchen. I donned an apron and looked busy at the oven. The head chef then arrived and took some meatballs out of the oven. I layered some uncooked meatballs with sauce and put them on a pan for her to cook. We made pleasant conversation. Then she left. She quickly came back and asked the kitchen crew what was burning. I didn't smell anything, but I checked on my handiwork anyway. They were charred. The head chef didn't blame me because I was a newbie. I tasted one and thought they were still delicious but the chef informed me that they had to be perfect for the wizard. I really didn't want to incur the wrath of Oz. I decided the kitchen wasn't for me so I turned in my apron and snuck away. I went outside where there was a cobbled street surrounded by straw houses. The munchkins (some wearing cat costumes and some not) were playing on the tops of the houses and generally making mess. I didn't feel like bing blamed for that so I found my stuff in an alley between the houses (a lot of "my stuff" I didn't recognize but inside a bag I found my jounal that I write in before I copy it to Xanga so I took it all) and followed the road through another very large wooden gate.
I was glad to be free so I made up a song and skipped until I saw a parade-like procession going down the large cul-de-sac-like street. The watchers were very solemn, but respectful. Then the reigning authorities arrived on their chariots and I greeted them all with a nod and what I guessed to be their titles in this order "Princess" -nod "Prince" -nod "Queen" -nod and "King" -nod. The watchers then followed the monarchs into a spacious arena. It reminded me of the assemblies of Jehovah's Witnesses that I attend. That's when I realized everyone was formally dressed except for me. Then the speaker on the platform told everyone to turn to Acts in their bibles. He told them condescendingly that that was to the left (even though it isn't) so everyone held up their hands and pointed to a different directions. It took about five minutes for them to straighten out which way left was. I laughed. Then I wondered how to get out without drawing attention to myself. Then I noticed how there were many people of different races paying rapt attention to the speaker. I looked outside and watched a schoolbus from a neighboring school district before I woke up. The end.

I think this is a reference to how I don't know where I belong yet. I was able to smile and help out in the kitchen by taking someone else's place, but it wasn't who I am. Then there's wanting to please everyone (burning the food) and not wanting responsibility (munchkins). I think with the monarchs my dream was telling me that I can get away with that sort of disrespect because no one will notice me anyway. The munchkin's costumes came from what I was doing yesterday: looking through Sims 2 downloads at Parsimonious.

Is it Okay to Lie to Significant Others?

Sat, 17 Jan 2009 04:29:16 GMT

I apologize if I sound like an ungrateful wench to my mother in this blog. These are my uncensored feelings.

Yesterday I lied to my mother's face, but that was only to save myself and Trevor from certain suffering. She was interrogating me about if I was in a relationship. Lying wasn't so hard, but denying Trevor hurt a lot. It was mostly lying to myself. She also sort of threatened me by bringing up the fact that we live in a small town, and that anything I do would get back to her eventually.

Flashback:

I went out with Trevor for the first time on April the second and that lasted for two months. Then my mom found out and wanted me to break up with him. I declined, because my relationship with him was too important than what she thought about me. Then she told me she would call him and threaten him. I wasn't scared. I wasn't sure what would happen, but optimism got the best of me. I called him later that night so I could straighten it all out. That was when he told me that he thought it would be better for my health, safety, and happiness if we broke up. I was devastated, and I hated his selfless feelings. (To this day I still don't know what my mom said to him) That was Friday, June the thirteenth.

Flashforwards to earlier today:

I didn't want to tell Trevor this morning about my mom and my discussion because I didn't want to worry or blame himself as he has the habit of doing. I guess he saw through it easily since he wouldn't stop asking me what was wrong. I kept saying how it was nothing and he shouldn't worry so much about me. (It's strange, no one else noticed that I had that on my mind.) Finally he forced it out of me. I felt glad that I didn't have to keep the secret, but I felt bad that I made him worry after all.

Was I right to try to keep him from guilt or should I have come clean in the first place? Are secrets sometimes okay to keep? Have you ever been in a similar situation?

Eager For Compliments

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 02:11:40 GMT

This is a bit like how I looked earlier.

I got to feel like a dog today. Not in a bad way, but in the proud-of-myself sort of way. Let's back up, shall we?

Every weekday I hang out with Trevor in the Print Shop before 3rd period. Lately he's been at a computer looking p funny pictures. Today Tyler and Hunter were doing that while Trevor and I watched. (Not what I wanted to be doing, but we can't always get what we want ;p) They came across a picture that said "Big Brother's Watching". Trevor asked me what I was thinking about so I told him "I was thinking about the book that that quote came from. 1984, I believe." He gave me a happy look and said "Very good". It made me so proud that I was so bored last summer that I actually read it! :D

I love my nerdy boyfriend. He makes me want to read more books.

Xanga

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 03:14:48 GMT

I'm really enjoying Xanga. I love how you are able to read random strangers' personal thoughts, comment upon them, and have the person thank you for being nosy. Then you get to read their newest blog again and comment them back. This leads to having more "friends" and more subscribers who read YOUR personal thoughts and pretend to care. It's a great cycle and it makes a person feel a little needed, like his/her blogs make a difference to someone. Go Xanga, for bringing people together. You rock!

Practice One Art Form After Another

Sun, 28 Dec 2008 19:48:28 GMT

I know what I will do over these Christmas holidays. It's about time, too; a week is already gone. O.o I'll learn different art forms. Yesterday I drew a few pictures (two) and I'm planning one right now. And I practice singing ALL THE TIME. Also, last week I was into poetry. I think I should give up on that. Here's my first completed poem:

Your sweet voice still haunts my dreams
It brings back the time we spent together
But the time apart increases, it seems
I start to doubt that you still love me

Do you remember when I first touched your hand
It was sweet, electric, the attraction
That first moment we shared in bonding
But now I feel there growing is a fraction

Do you remember when I first touched your heart
My favorite smiled you gave me, a present
How I had taken your soul, intwined it with mine
Our fates touched and sang it did represent

Do you remember when I first said "I'm yours"
I will not take it back, I meant those words
It frightened you, how willing I shouldn't be
But then you laughed and we moved forth forwards

What was once sown together can be sown apart
Just come back to me and utter your love
I'll be in your arms once more, enamored again
Of those previous thoughts I'll be free of

I'm happy because I got it to rhyme, but unhappy because there's not enough imagery and it's pretty amateur sounding. 3rd reason: I lied a little. I would never doubt that Trevor loves me. That's stupid. 4th reason: It's too flowery. I never was much for love poems, but it's an easy thing to write about. I'll try better. Or give up and forget about it. Poetry might just NOT be my thing.

What'll it be next? Juggling? Archery? Interpretive dance? Who knows?

Well I tried to upload it, but as you can see, I failed at that. This is what I used to draw MY picture. Only with a head and feet of course. I can't upload my second picture because it might be considered hentai. O.o That's not allowed I'm sure.